OUR HAPPINESS

 

It is always said that we are responsible for our own happiness, but how much of it is really true, and how much of it is actually possible to follow and abide by? I will account for the recent event in my life which will explain why I am questioning this. I will try to omit the intricate personal details and just talk about the happenings. 

some months back, it was decided that I will be changing my career and will be switching my path. The entrances which I had to appear to get into a college of this change were scheduled to take place in one month. the stream was completely different from what I had studied and done till now and had no connection to my previous educational background whatsoever. I was extremely skeptical and scared but nonetheless decided to take the leap. 

I prepared to take the exams, I roughly had one month of time to prep. I was largely helped by my friends. I am going to skip the details but in the end, I did get into a decent college. It wasn't a dream college, but it was a decent one. I was happy because for a girl who expected to fail and had no plan this was a miracle. I had some months before the new session started and I had to leave for college. 

My friends were thrilled, I always wanted to move out of the house to a hostel and live on my own. I had never stayed in a hostel and hence I was supposed to be thrilled to start this new chapter of my life, but the thing is I was not. 

For some reason, I just could not feel the happiness that I should have. I had no hopes for myself yet I had got myself into a college. I should have been thrilled, but I was not even feeling borderline happiness. I did not recognize the reason at first but after thinking about it a little, I did get to know about it. There were two people, who had not said even one good thing about this tiny little achievement of mine. You know how almost everyone has a couple of people in their lives from whom they seek validation. And if they achieve that, life seems to have gotten its meaning. I know many will say that this is not the right way to live life - on someone else's terms, but I am sure many people do. We are humans and social animals, we can't really thrive on ourselves, yeah? NO? Okay.

It was not that I was not appreciated, neutrality would have worked too, but it was the negativity that crept and made me stopped from feeling good. Sometimes, some feelings get so deeply ingrained inside you that it becomes an intimate part of you, and however you try, it's impossible to shed it off. And something of that sort happened to me. Leave feeling thrilled about a new chapter, it ended up feeling like a mistake.

Every tiny mistake or action I did which did not fit well with them, was scorned at how my Bengaluru venture would be a disaster and I would end up doing nothing well.

Upon recognizing this unfaithful feeling, I tried to shrug it off but did not work so. I just found a way to distract my mind. I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts. And how successful I have been? Not a lot. BUT. I keep hope, things might not be good today, but will be better tomorrow. 

Like I have always said, Hope is a strong entity. Hold on, with all the love your heart can conjure. Because the world needs love and hope. 

Sanskruti